Dear Mental Illness

Dear PTSD, PPD, Major Depression and Suicidal Ideations

I hate you. It’s as simple as that. I was a normal teenager before I got pregnant and my hormones messed me up. Fuck you for making me so distant from my son who I love so much but who still feels like another person’s baby. Fuck you for making me cry for no reason at all and for giving me absolutely no control over my emotions and anger unless I’m drugged up by two different antidepressants. Fuck you for making me feel distant from my husband, who has begun to feel unloved and unattractive because I keep turning him down for sex. Fuck you for making me relive every moment of that horrible year I spent with you-know-what-bitch-I’m-talking-about and every time she violated me so hard that I wouldn’t be able to walk for days afterward. Fuck you for not letting me let go of my anger towards her, and for making me question my sexuality because of it. 

As for my Depression and SI… I barely know what to say to you. Words cannot express the anguish I have experienced over the last 22 months and it is pointless to try. I hate that my husband and family worry about me to no end, and that I can’t be trusted to stay home alone anymore without overdosing or cutting myself. I feel like an infidel to them when they hesitate before leaving the house. I don’t want to die but I can’t stop thinking about dying. I have so much to live for, a marriage to live out, and a son to watch grow up. I don’t want to leave my family hanging with no way to cope. Because of you, I can’t go through the day without finding ways I could easily kill myself without anyone noticing until I was gone.

I just wish I could be normal again, a normal 20-year-old mom and wife with normal problems. I wish my husband and family didn’t have to worry about whether they’ll ever see me again. I wish I could just go back in time and see the signs of my depression before it got so bad.

I want to be me again.

Hopefully now you will listen.