May 2013
13 posts
5 tags
Dear Trichotillomania
I don’t like how you make me feel about myself. You point out my flaws. You constantly remind me of how imperfect I am. You taunt me, persuade to destroy myself, mock me for believing you. You hurt me. You hurt the person I am meant to be.
But I know that I would never be myself without you. I know I would be arrogant, selfish, and never easily humbled. Thank you for bringing me down at moments...
5 tags
Dear Depression
If you please, fuck off. This is the second time I have been put on anti-depressants. The second time I’ve been referred for counselling. I know it’s not your fault. I know my fucked-up family and high anxiety are triggering. I know you’re just the way I cope. But fuck you, all the same.
You’re making me push away the love of my life, and it fucking hurts to not know if I mean it when I say I...
5 tags
Dear PTSD
I know you mean well. Really, you do. You come from my cortex, and from the dim history of human evolution. You track things that might be a threat, and when you see them again, you send an emergency message to the emotional part of my brain, to prepare for fight or flight.
You want to keep me safe; you have one job, dear cortex, and you do it exceedingly well. When you perceive a threat, you...
6 tags
Dear Schizoaffective Disorder
I’m not going to let you be the end of me.
You are not who I am.
6 tags
Dear Borderline Personality Disorder
Do you know how much i dislike you? No, dislike isn’t a strong enough word, I despise you. You have fucked me over repeatedly. Day after day, week after week, year after year.
For eighteen years now, I’ve felt so different. I’ve always known there was something wrong. I’ve always been so different from everyone else.
The chronic depression, explosive anger, hallucinations, self...
6 tags
Dear ADHD
I’ve obviously dealt with you all my life. You’ve made things interesting, confusing, and difficult over the years. Learning how to manage you is an ongoing project - one that will probably never end. (Yet another unfinished project in the pile.)
Yet I wouldn’t “cure” you for the world. I wouldn’t say I “suffer” from you most of the time, either, though you certainly disable me in many ways.
...
4 tags
New Rule
No more posts from people who are talking about someone else. I think this will fix the problem.
Thanking you patient people.
5 tags
So here's something I didn't know
(TW:ableism? Help?)
I will post things on here sometimes that don’t fall under the category of mental illness, but this is because I am not a psychiatrist. Not knowing that Autistic Spectrum Disorder did not fall under a DSM description is a point of ignorance borne out of…well, my own ignorance. I’d like to keep posting Autistic Spectrum Disorders on this blog though, as many...
5 tags
Dear Depression
I want you to let go of me, because I’m drowning. I hate you for every fucking thing you’ve done to me. Sometimes I can’t get out of bed in the morning. Sometimes I can’t hold a conversation because you have made my mind so slow. I can’t do things I love. I can’t hope. I can’t think. I can’t breathe. I can’t wake up from this. You took my last...
7 tags
Dear Autistic Spectrum DIsorder
(TW: Ableism)
You took my brother’s speech when he was two.
You’ve made his life difficult and people have made fun of him.
But, thank you, because you are the reason I’m going to university for developmental psychology, and I am inspired to make a better life for me, but most of all him
He will have everything he ever wants, in spite of you.
5 tags
Dear Depression
You are not going to win. No matter how much the world around me feeds you, no matter how much you grow, i will have you in the end. Too long have you stalked me. I was once strong and now i am weak, once i was handsome, you made me ugly, once i was confident, now i question my existence.
You’re a fool though. With all your power and sadistic demands you forgot who you were FUCKING WITH....
7 tags
Dear Bipolar Disorder
I have known for half my life you were hiding in the darkness in my mind, yet I could not, would not allow myself to admit it. During all the years I went up and down, spiraling through my life like an asteroid destined to destroy anything in its way, you were always there reminding me just how damaged, and worthless I truly am. After the countless hours of beating me down, you would grant me a...
5 tags
Dear OCD
How strange it feels to be giving in to you again.
Since I have been home from the hospital in which I battled you off, I’ve felt strong. I’ve resisted you enough to have some success, some normalcy in my life—more than I ever had before I knew that you and I are two separate entities. We aren’t one, OCD. You’re you, and I’m me. You had me fooled for a long time—I thought that you were the most...
February 2013
1 post
4 tags
The short-term collapse of Dear Mental Illness
Dear readers (if you’re still out here!),
Last January I was admitted to Newham Mental Hospital for a few months as I was experiencing a severe bout of mania. I mention the name of the hospital because the nurses and doctors in the institution were some of the finest people I have ever ‘worked’ with.
You might also have noticed that the last post made that year was a video. I...
November 2011
6 posts
Dear Dyslexia
SCREW YOU
Dear PTSD, PPD, Major Depression and Suicidal...
I hate you. It’s as simple as that. I was a normal teenager before I got pregnant and my hormones messed me up. Fuck you for making me so distant from my son who I love so much but who still feels like another person’s baby. Fuck you for making me cry for no reason at all and for giving me absolutely no control over my emotions and anger unless I’m drugged up by two different...
Dear Nymphomania
We had a fun time, for a while, before I knew your name, and what you were doing to me.
But I want you to leave.
I’m tired of having to crawl away from a snoring, sleeping lump of person I hardly know, hating myself inside, because it is the only way I can feel pretty for a few seconds.
I hate that, even as I slink away, I already want more. That pretty-sex drug that stinks up my world. I...
Dear Depression
I know you’ve stalked me for quite some time. The first two years I was able to avoid you. But now, you’re here. And you’ve been here for a while a now. You seem to be the only one to stick around when literally everyone else in my life has left. It’s just you and me.
But thats the thing, I would rather be alone than be stuck with you. You make me hate myself. You are the controlling abusive...
Dear High Functioning Autism
what are you? You make me so upset. I can’t stand it. I cannot enjoy cloths like velvet, corduroy or the like because you make me curl up into a ball and bite my fingers if I touch them. Going to the movies, sports matches, the sound of babies crying, people talking or chewing loudly set me on edge and I yell grabbing my ears and cry. If someone gets a haircut, I get upset because I keep...
Dear Mental Illness
Just to let you know, I have HAD IT with you; the agony and misery which you instill on me. I have R to help me who is doing a grand job. I will beat you believe that.
You have controlled my life l-o-n-g enough and I am taking back the control over you instead of vice-verse.
I go to bed at midnight, so I get my rest. I do physical exercise to make me feel good. I eat healthily to beat the...
October 2011
14 posts
Dear Codependent Personality Disorder and Gender...
What a bunch of friends you are. I don’t want to care about myself, but I want to kill myself, and, still yet, I identify as something those around me would not accept.
I had no self esteem to begin with, (it’s been a whole year as of yesterday) and I have even less now that I understand why I don’t feel like I fit in. I’m not a physically a boy. I’m not mentally a girl. And I can’t even...
Dear Bipolar Disorder
I guess now we’ve officially met. I’ve had a pretty good idea that some form of you has been with me for awhile, but sometimes it really is hard to tell. Sometimes I feel just how I should, so I block the idea of you out of my mind all together. Sometimes I get so excited and so sure that I’m going to be alright, and then you come back, and send everything spiraling downward again. I get so...
Dear Depression
Let me fucking go. Everything in my life is going really well. For the first time in what seems like over a decade. And here you come, sneaking up behind me. You take away all the joy I find in every beautiful, breath-taking, heart-stopping moment of my life…and I’m tired of it. I don’t want you to take away anything from the life I’ve been trying so desperately to build and love.
I want to...
4 tags
Dear Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
I was born this way. This sensitivity is partly genetic. And that’s okay.The positive side being I was sweet and I cared for other - more intuitive and intelligent emotionally. I still am. But this world is full of uncaring people who were born to break people like me.
And I was broken. The emotional burden became too much. The migraines started. Then the depression. Then the suicide...
3 tags
Dear Dermatillomania
I WILL stop picking at my skin. I WILL stop making my nails and my hands sore and red. I WILL stop scratching and making marks. I WILL stop this.
Listen up, Dermatillomania.
I don’t know why you make me do this. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to go around with marks on my skin for the rest of my life. Now listen up. I WILL stop this. I WILL.
4 tags
Dear Bipolar Disorder
I wonder what it would be like without you in my life. I wonder how it would be if I had never learned about you at such a young age. If I never had to see my mother come screaming and crying into my room threatening to leave our family. What my life would be l like if I never had to go see my older brother years later locked up in the hospital, crying and rocking back and forth with madness....
Anonymous asked: I submitted something while you were away, and it's not here. Should I re-submit, or is it in queue, or is it not post-able material? :/
1 tag
Question
Seeing as I have hundreds of anonymized posts which cannot all be posted in a short period of time, what would people think about a Dear Mental Illness book?
4 tags
Dear Depression
I’ve lived with you for the better part of 15 years. You weren’t much of a hassle to deal with until high school. That’s when you introduced me to your friend Suicide. I was hospitalized twice, was in and out of outpatient therapy, was on and off medications. It was horrible. Eventually, I figured the stress I was causing my family was not worth me getting treatment. So I stopped. For the...
4 tags
Dear Anxiety
The minute you put the blame on me is when I start to get pissed. For the first time, I was having a simple conversation with my girlfriend and she started getting anxious over one small thing I said. She started crying, saying that she upset me when she did nothing of the sort. I REFUSE to be the catalyst to your horrible repercussions. I didn’t do anything wrong, and I swear, if you start...
5 tags
Dear Bipolar Disorder
I’m your slave. I’m your prisoner. You won’t let my leave, but I will fight till the day I die. I will become someone. I will do something so people won’t have to deal with you anymore. I will beat you. I know I can.
4 tags
Dear Schizoaffective Disorder
I don’t even know what to say to you. I read these letters that people send me every day and I see such courage and passion and ambivilence and all I have for you is hate. It’s as though someone came along in the night and surgically removed 60% of my brain and I’m left with the knowledge of what I could do were it not for you. It’s no wonder that I want to die is it?
And...
4 tags
Dear Depression
You suck. You make me think of death every waking moment. I despise you the the very core of your being. I wish you would get up and leave me alone, you life ruiner. But then really, what would i have without you? A bland tasteless void that nobody would wish to call life. You strip me off any good emotions and give me sorrow, and despair. You Suck. But you. oh you make me whole. You’ve...
4 tags
Dear Bulimia
Why does my love for you never end? And why can’t everyone else see that it is not just a matter letting go. You are the reason I am on my way to beauty, from 150 lbs to 130, down to 110. You have gotten me to this. This is why I love you, for making my almost beautiful.
But with my love comes a hate. Why can’t you sometimes go on vacation? Why do you have to scare off friends, boyfriends,...
September 2011
69 posts
4 tags
Dear Depression
It has felt like centuries since you have entered my life although its only been about 5 years. You ave ruined so much of me, of my life and I just want it back… Throughout the years I have fought you battle after countless battle in a war that never seems to end. As the medication came i fought my battles stronger and thought the war might end but you wouldn’t let that...
3 tags
Dear BPD
I would just like to let you know that you are slowly but surely ruining me and everything I might have going for me. You have taken away everything I have. You took away my hope, my strength, and whatever faith I used to have. I try to fight with you every single day but most of the time you win. I hate it when you win. You push me down. You strangle me with your power. You stand there while I...
4 tags
Dear Depression
I’m beating you. I can do whatever I want and can put you aside. I got promoted 3 times this year and you only brought me down at night… once. I will be forever by your side as you will be by my side. I will disregard when you come near, and I will embrace you when I need to do so. Screw you, I’m happy.
4 tags
Dear Anxiety
I am sickened by you. You bring me to by bed, shaking, on the verge of tears. You have me stuck here all the damn time, I want to be rid of you. Rid of stomach pains and mood swings. I am taking a dose of catharsis in typing.
5 tags
Dear Bipolar Disorder
These past months have really been something. I know you like it; being my dirty little secret. I know you want me to scream it from the rooftops so everybody hears that you’re mine, and there is a part of me that wants that too. You have to know how much easier it would make things for me to have an explanation for why I act like I do. But I’m ashamed of you.
Sometimes everything’s great,...
5 tags
Dear Bipolar Disorder
You’re lucky I have a sense of humor.
7 tags
Dear Depression and Bipolar Disorder
GOD is bigger.
4 tags
Dear OCD
Does it really matter if the books on the corner of my desk aren’t perfect? Does it matter if there’s a folded page in my book? Does it matter if I have bacteria on me like a normal person?
Obviously it does to you. You ruin my life; I can’t hold a normal conversation without interrupting to count my steps, I can’t read without looking out for folded pages or ink...
5 tags
Dear Narcissistic Personality Disorder
I don’t understand you one bit. Everyday I get fucked with by you. I can’t be me because I’m stuck with you. You spread out, caught me, and rooted your evil doings within me as a young boy. I had no choice but to learn your impure lifestyle.
You took my father away from me… my friends… even the girl I was about to marry. Every day I struggle just to make a connection to my real self. I can’t...
4 tags
Dear Anxiety
You have taken over my life and warped happy times so I am no longer able to feel them with my whole heart. You have plagued me with insecurities my entire life and made it imposable to trust anyone. You have robbed me of confidence at every turn. I stand in the shackles of your prison and I search for a light.
I beg you go away and let me live for once.
4 tags
Dear Bulimia
You have been a part of me long enough it’s time I eat when I am hungry and stop when I am full. I am sick and tired of listening to what you want you don’t control me anymore!
6 tags
Dear Depression and Anxiety
Really?!
I try really really hard to manage you both. I run because my doctor told me to run to help me think clearly. I do yoga to help calm my mind and body so I’m not so distracted. I try really hard! All that I get is tears of frustration. I can’t even sit and draw in a coffee shop without being overwhelmed. All I want is to the version of myself that my parents remember. Bright,...
4 tags
Dear Depression
Oh, depression.
There was a time when you only lurked under the surface, prowling and threatening to leap. I was aware of your presence, but I never feared you, because I didn’t understand the things you are capable of doing.
My journal entries say that you visited me frequently, and intensely, in years that I remember as happy. But now, now you come to me at the worst times. Like the time...
4 tags
Dear Borderline Personality Disorder
Fuck you.
There may have been times I’ve appreciated the extra joy you bring when things are going well. But here, as I sit in the dark, typing, with my ex-boyfriend sleeping behind me, I can say I utterly loathe you.
It brings me to tears, it really does. Because of you, I can no longer trust myself in relationships. I’m tearing myself apart, just trying to avoid fear you bring. (I never...
5 tags
Dear Schizoaffective Disorder
Bipolar disorder, you affected me most of my life, and without treatment, you got progressively worse until finally you became schizoaffective disorder. I recovered from alcoholism, but not from you! Thanks a lot. One deadly disease wasn’t enough - I had to have two. Double suffering, oh goody.
Not only did I have to battle ultra rapid cycling from you, bipolar disorder - the...
4 tags
Dear Depression
I just wanna know, do you enjoy what you do? Do you like ripping people apart until there nothing but a ghost of there old self? Because you shouldn’t. But I just thought I should inform you that i’m slowly tearing you down. you will no longer be a part of my life. You will be gone. a part of my past. and in reality, you’ll be a part of my past that i’m proud of. why? because I was strong,...
